Weaning and Mothers' Feelings

Diane Bengson
Bellbrook, Ohio, USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 15 No. 6, November-December 1998, pp, 164-67
We provide articles from our publications from previous years for reference for our Leaders and members. Readers are cautioned to remember that research and medical information change over time

Weaning is an emotional topic for everyone concerned—mother, baby, father, and those closest to them. Some mothers feel very sad about the idea of weaning, while others may feel very strongly about wanting to wean. A mother may desire to wean yet still feel uneasy about it. Once a mother has begun to encourage weaning, she may feel relieved, sad, frustrated, or exhausted. Acknowledging these mixed feelings can help a mother know how to handle them.

If you don't know anyone who is nursing a child as old as yours, it's common to wonder if you're doing the right thing. Worries such as "He'll never wean" or "I'm making her too dependent" or "She'll turn out odd for having nursed so long" can wake a mother up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Self-doubt is made more intense by criticism from others, especially if they voice the fears a mother has thought about but not said aloud. These anxieties grow larger the longer they are unspoken. When a mother can put her doubts to rest and parent confidently, life becomes easier. This confidence comes naturally with experience and the passage of time, but can be boosted by finding support and information, taking care of oneself and not letting the fears of the night get out of hand.

Disapproval from Others

Friends and family who may have been supportive or understanding of nursing a small baby may become critical once a child passes his first birthday and that criticism is often greatest during the second 12 months of a child's life. For many mothers, coping with disapproval is the hardest part of toddler nursing, and it's a common reason why mothers wean a child who is past one. It's not easy to continue to nurse when society frowns on the choice or misunderstands a mother's motivation for continuing to provide for a child's needs. Mothers who nurse longer may start to hide it from others to avoid confrontations. Few mothers share this information unless they know they are talking to the mother of another nursing toddler.

Many mothers of nursing toddlers feel more limited about when and where they nurse. However, mothers' comfort levels vary. Some think nothing of nursing a two- year-old in most settings, while others weigh each situation individually. Some nurse confidently in public situations where no one knows them, but would never nurse in front of a disapproving family member.

Being prepared with answers to questions or criticism may help. Answer lightly and with humor, and then change the subject. A comment such as "We're in the process of weaning" may deflect criticism. Express confidence by saying something such as, "For right now, nursing is important to him," or "Nursing makes life easier for both of us."

Sometimes we fear disapproval in a certain setting and find that either no one seems to notice, or we actually receive some unexpected support. Ruth Penick of Ohio shares this experience.

When my oldest daughter was 15 months old, I had an experience I will never forget. We were at the airport waiting for my mother's plane to arrive. Reni decided she needed to nurse and it got to the point where I would have to nurse her or I would have a screaming toddler. I couldn't find a secluded place, not even a place where I could sit facing away from most of the activity. So we sat there in the middle of everything and nursed. After we were finished, a lady in her 70s came up to me and very quietly said that she liked to see parents putting the needs of their children ahead of what other people might think. I hope she realizes how much it meant and still means to me that she took a moment to tell me that.

As Ruth's story shows, receiving support is a real confidence booster. The support of like-minded friends, books, and family is invaluable. Often mothers find the support and understanding they need in a La Leche League Group where other mothers may be experienced in nursing toddlers. Hearing that someone else shares the same feelings, struggles, and joys that you do can help you appreciate your little nursing person more, and it may help you decide whether weaning is a good solution for you and your child.

Mother Feels Burned Out

Some mothers want to wean because they feel tied down or they "want their bodies" back. Sometimes a mother wants to wean because her life feels overwhelming. Too many stresses and changes in a short time can leave a mother looking for something—anything—in her life she can control. Sometimes, mothers resent the time spent nursing and feel they're being controlled or manipulated by their child. ...to read more>